Likewise, in the world of coffee - there is stuff that comes in a litre-sized plastic cup with enough milk and sugary syrup in it to be classified as a dessert - and there is coffee that, whilst, maybe not needing a second mortgage, should be savoured, brewed and brought out only on special occasions.
The world of wine is a maze of complexity and nuance with a whole heap of pompous nonsense and a splash of snobbery thrown in. It can seem impenetrable at times. The coffee world too can seem a bewildering place. It too has its pompous nonsense. It too has its complexity and nuance and tasting notes. It too has an element of hipster snobbery about it. If we are to set off on a journey to appreciate coffee in all its expressions - we need to think like a wine connoisseur. A sommelier - if you will.
So where to begin? At one end of the "wine scale" we can spend our lives drinking a mass produced, Australian Bin 27 Pinot Noir - and may that make us happy! However that does not mean that we're drinking good wine. That Bin 27 sounds like it’s a bespoke, small batch, distinctive vintage. What they don’t tell you is that Bin 27 is a 2,5 million gallon stainless steel settling tank sitting in an industrial estate outside Melbourne. It's wine - but mass-produced wine and what mass-production requires is volume and consistency and we all know that volume and consistency is the enemy of quality, distinctiveness and uniqueness.
Like wine, coffee has its mass-produced, multi-location, available-everywhere brands. Your "local", corporate-owned, high street chain coffee store needs consistency and volume. They pride themselves in being able to serve 50 million cups of coffee a day across the world that is the same everywhere they sell it. They would get complaints if it wasn’t. To get that consistency they roast tonnes at a time. Furthermore, to reduce waste they tend to over roast the beans to ensure a longer shelf-life before usage. That’s why these coffees tend to be flogged with half a litre of milk and a seasonal syrup. It's coffee - but let's not pretend it has a particularly complex "nose" or nuanced tasting notes. All distinctiveness has been roasted out of these beans. Again, we’re not here to criticise. These coffee shops are sometimes the "only port in a storm". But let's make sure that we recognise them as such. It's coffee - but not great coffee - we can do better, people!
On the opposite and higher end of our "wine-coffee scale", the coffee world also has the equivalent of the 1000 pound a bottle 1962 Chateau Latour-type rich, luscious, fruity, blackberry, "cat-pee-on-gooseberries" vintages. We will degress here - but you may have heard of "civet cat" coffee - or Kopi Luwak. This coffee is produced, literally, through civet cats eating ripe coffee cherries, excreting the digested bean pulp and then by processing these beans and selling it at a huge premium. The digestive tract of the civet cat performs some kind of anaerobic fermentation on the beans, resulting in a coffee is supposed to reflect this extraordinary "natural process".
We pause for a moment here to wonder who, and more importantly, how, the first person discovered this… Anyway, capitalism being what it is, there are now farms of these poor cats being force-fed buckets of coffee cherries and therefore, and by design, (isn't evolution a wonderful thing), excreting enough beans to satisfy world-wide demand of this coffee. We're not sure whether the resulting coffee warrants the suffering of those civet cats. More worryingly, given that civet cats are an endangered animal - and there seems to be plenty of Kopi Luwak coffee out there … is it beyond the realms of possibility that it's not the digestive tract of a civet cat those beans are passing through 100% of the time?
We told you we would digress. The point is - just as our Chateau Lafite is expensive because it is so good, AND because so little is produced - there IS extraordinary coffee out there - during the production of which no animal has been harmed - that are very good and they can be expensive but they are worth every penny. The fun is hunting them down, finding them, and then brewing them properly to maximise their particular attributes. We recently tried a Costa Rican Geisha from a roastery in the USA. Man alive! - it was like drinking apricot jam!
In the middle of our spectrum of coffee/wine quality there are also plenty of those "10 to 20 quid bottle equivalents" out there. If we want to explore the range of coffee flavours from blackcurrant fruity to chocolate via nutty and strawberry-jam-on-toast - then we need to strike out from the supermarket aisle - we need to walk past those ubiquitous, chain shops on every corner - we should make the effort to find our true, artisanal, coffee baristas who change their offering on a weekly basis to something new and, maybe more importantly, we need to realise that great coffees, like wine, are ruined by adding sugar and too much milk.
So, to summarise, if you want to drink a milky, sugary, syrupy concoction masquerading and sold as "coffee" - and, pay as much as you would for a cheap bottle of wine - you know where to go. If you want to drink a cremated, burnt, shot of black liquid - there's plenty of that out there too in your local supermarket.
If however you want to experience caramel, hazelnut, chocolate, blackcurrant or strawberry notes - albeit not in the same cup! - then you need to seek and explore. As with wine - the best stuff is not found in supermarkets. In fact, by definition, only the mass-produced well known branded stuff is found in an aisle. Supermarkets need mass-production - their supply chains cannot do bespoke - supermarkets are the antithesis of artisanal quality. They're great for your sliced white and cheddar cheeses. But not so good on your limited edition, small batch Rwandan Carbonic with its strong acidity, balanced sweetness and a light fermented strawberry juice nose.
We were recently "conned" into trying a branded "iced coffee" drink from the cold section in a well-known supermarket. We can only describe it as being slightly sweeter than a crème brulée. OK, if you want to drink a crème brulée - then this is the one for you. But, ladies and gentlemen - this was about a far from coffee as Ribena is from wine.
Secondly, as with wine (and cheese for that matter but we'll stick with the wine analogy for now) - the good stuff is produced by small, artisanal, local growers and producers. To get at the good stuff you need to hunt these people out. You'll find them in all sorts of places - physically and metaphorically - word of mouth, online, etc.
Thirdly - as with wine - coffee is an organic, annual, agricultural crop produced in various countries. Coffee beans, like vines, are subject to varying climates and seasons and fluctuations in temperature and weather. Thus, as your 1982 Chateau Lafite is regarded as way better than the 1963 vintage - our Ugandan Mount Elgon will be different this year than it was last.
Finally - for this blog anyway - small, artisanal coffee roasters care more! Try telling your local coffee chain conglomerate barista that your coffee has overtones of machine oil. And we’re not bashing those baristas here - but when they are churning out 500 vanilla lattes an hour they're really not ready to listen to your issues with the house blend.
So, just like when we are buying a decent wine - let's hear it for the small, artisanal coffee shops who want to know your name. Shout out for the local coffee roasters who care deeply about the cracking point of each of their beans. Hunt down these coffees which your local roastery has agonised for hours over the exact percentage of Brazilian to Ecuadorian to perfect it. And when you find your perfect coffee - shout about it and spread the word. Like wine - they won't be around for long - and you'll need to find another one. What fun!
